my heart died.i have reach my max..
not the love that died but the passion for other things..
my love for her will always be there as i promised..

i knew i reach that breakdown point because i gave up that fire when i was conducting the band during todays navy open house.i never give up music before and i thought i will never ever but now, i conduct like a metronome. my feel for conducting is gone. right after the first piece and when the horns played the fairy tale soli,i saw her in her eyes.i melted.i nearly cried after conducting that very piece.my body and heart den failed me.i cant give that much for the following pieces.i can feel that ppl werent looking into my eyes while i was conducting and i believe i lost that fire in my eyes for the following pieces.

people keep telling me that i need to cheer up in order for her to go on. politically i'm trying to be happy, putting on that fake smile that managed to fool everyone. but honestly, i don want her to move on.i just want her to retrace her steps. now every night i always look into my phone gallery.when i see how happy we were before, i will just breakdown. i just cant imagine a future without her.never.. our last moment together was my birthday night safari day.i told her i will bring her one day to the zoo but now i cant politically.

for the last gift for her, i just promised myself to join the composition competition next year by doing up a band arrangement for the song i compose for her. the song was fr her birthday last yr. it was my product of love, sweat and happiness. i told her that i will write her a song evey year for her birthday. and right now i'm already starting another but on a sad note.

she was the one that made my life so meaningful but now my life is worthless.i saw her pretty happy today and smiled. her smile always melts my heart. in the past when she always ask me why i liked her, i will say "because of your smile".and yes no doubt.. you look so gorgeous my girl with that smile.

if i had one wish, i wish you can retrace your steps.. .. . . .